Are you a parent of a child who is disrespectful to you?
Teaching our children to respect us takes quite a bit of skill as a parent! Our children watch and listen to us from a very young age, in order to have their needs met. Not just their physical needs for food, shelter and clothing but also their emotional needs. Their need to feel loved and accepted by us. Their need to feel a sense of belonging in their family.
In order to gain our children’s respect, we must have respectful interactions with them, such as talking calmly; not being derogatory, or name calling, or hitting them. I have counseled thousands of families whose children have disrespectful behavior because their parents yell at them, hit them, abuse alcohol, break promises, or choose other priorities that send the message to them they are not valued. Children have a hard time listening to parents who engage in disrespectful behavior.
It is not easy to be a good role model as a parent because we have our bad moments too. It’s important to take time outs when we are upset, so we can regulate our emotions when we are interacting with our children. Many times, when I was raising my children I would say, “We are both going to take a time- out. I will talk to you in a few minutes.” I would step outside and deep breathe and take several minutes to reflect on the best way to teach my child what I wanted them to learn. I would also think about how I would want my parents to respond to me if I was in my child’s situation. Having our behavior under control before we manage our child’s, helps them gain respect.
As our children approach pre-teen years, they are figuring out who they are as individuals. Often this individualism can be interpreted as disrespectful communication. They may tell us we are annoying, or our rules are dumb. They may tell us that their friends have more freedom than we allow them. They may ignore what we tell them to do.
As parents, staying consistent with our rules teaches our children what to expect, creating more security for them, whether it be a regular bedtime on school nights, limited screen time, doing required homework or helping with chores around the house. Structure helps children keep themselves on track and lets them know what their responsibilities are. It allows them to build healthy habits and routines that encourage success as adults when they move out, get jobs, or when we are not around to hold them accountable.
Our children learn self-discipline through our boundaries as parents. Our ‘No’ means no and our ‘Yes’ means yes. If we allow them to manipulate us by giving in to requests that are not for their highest good, such as dating at 13 or staying up till midnight on their cellphone when it’s a school night or drinking alcohol under the age of 21, it trains them to push boundaries and break rules. Until they are an adult, our role is to be their parent, not their friend. This role can be a slippery slope for stepparents in blended families, if they are not allowed to step fully into a parental role.
Children do not have the wisdom to know what is good for them all the time. They are naturally impulsive. As parents it is our responsibility to provide what we can to help them thrive. They thrive physically when they eat healthy food, exercise, get enough sleep and stay hydrated. Children thrive emotionally when they know they are loved, accepted, supported, and feel they belong. They thrive spiritually when thy know the Creator of their soul unconditionally loves them, never abandons them, wants what is best for them and will guide them, if asked.
As parents, we do not always know what to say or do. Fortunately, we can learn to become better parents at any time through counseling, parenting classes or parenting books. As adults, our children also have the option to learn how to be better parents than we were! My parents exposed me to domestic violence and verbal abuse growing up, so before I became a parent I went to counseling and read parenting books, so I could be a healthier parent. How we parent our children not only has long term effects on them but on our relationship with them, long term.
Written by Elisabeth Davies, MC
Counselor and author of Good Things Emotional Healing Journal for Addiction and Good Things Emotional Healing Journal for Couples
