Are you a parent of a child who is disrespectful to you?
Teaching our children to respect us takes quite a bit of skill as a parent. Our children watch and listen to us from a very young age, so they can learn how to have their needs met. Not just their physical needs for food, shelter and clothing but also their emotional needs. Their need to feel loved and accepted by us. Their need to feel a sense of belonging in our family.
In order to gain our children’s respect, we must have respectful interactions with them, such as talking calmly, not being derogatory, or name calling, not hitting them so they feel unvalued. If we yell or hit them it can instill fear, not respect. It is not easy to be a good role model as a parent because we have our bad moments too. It’s important to take time outs when we are angry, so we have more control of our behavior. Many times, when I was raising my children I would say, “Mommy’s is going to take a time- out. I will talk to you in a few minutes.” I would step outside and deep breathe and take several minutes to reflect on the best way to respond to my child’s behavior. Whether he/she broke rules, lied or got in trouble at school. We have to be able to manage our own behavior before we manage our child’s.
As our children approach pre-teen years, they are figuring out who they are as individuals. Often this individualism can be interpreted as disrespectful communication. They may tell us we are annoying, or our rules are dumb. They may tell us that their friends have more freedom than we allow them. They may ignore what we tell them to do. This calls for us as parents to be consistent in the rules and structure we set up for them. Having a regular bedtime on school nights, limited screen time, doing required homework or helping with chores around the house. Being consistent with our discipline as well as our rewards allows our children to thrive because they know what to expect and they learn what their responsibilities are. Consistency and structure help children keep themselves on track and responsible as they get older. It allows them to build healthy habits and routines that encourage success as adults when they go away to college, move out, get jobs, or when we are not around to hold them accountable.
Our children learn self-discipline through our boundaries as parents. Our ‘No’ means no and our ‘Yes’ means yes. If we allow them to manipulate us by giving in to requests that are not for their highest good, such as dating at 13 or staying up till midnight on their cellphone when it’s a school night or drinking alcohol under the age of 21, it trains them to push boundaries and break rules. Our role is to be their parent, not their friend. This role can be a slippery slope for stepparents and blended families. Children do not have the wisdom to know what is good for them all the time. They are naturally impulsive. Training them to be healthy physically- by eating nutritious food, exercising, and getting enough sleep; mentally- by encouraging kind self-talk, good self-care and regulating their moods; and spiritually- by loving others, pursuing peace, and contributing to others’ lives, gives them a healthy childhood foundation.
I realize not all parents start out wise. I have not only raised my own children, but I have counseled thousands of families and witnessed children having disrespectful behavior because their parents yell at them, hit them, abuse alcohol, break promises, or choose other priorities that send the message to their children they are not valued. Children have a hard time respecting parents who argue regularly or engage in disrespectful interactions. This reinforces behavior patterns that our children will likely repeat in their own relationships as adults.
Fortunately, we can learn to become better parents at any time through counseling, parenting classes or parenting books. As adults, our children also have the option to learn how to be better parents than we were! My parents exposed me to domestic violence and verbal abuse growing up, so before I became a parent I went to counseling and read parenting books to gain skills to be a healthier parent. How we parent our children not only has long term effects on them but on our relationship with them, long term.
Written by Elisabeth Davies, MC
Counselor and author of Good Things Emotional Healing Journal for Addiction
and Good Things Emotional Healing Journal for Couples
